So the arrival of the coldest days in four years meant the coincidental departure of my car’s will to live. I know the battery has life, just not enough to fire the engine in this fine deep freeze.

Here are some of the things I have tried or had suggested or considered:

– Battery charger, Triple-A, hot coals under the engine, an exorcist, hot oil into the engine, hot coffee, hot chick flirt with my car, brandy for the car, a medicine man, brandy for me, lucky rabbit’s foot, prayer — several different denominations, cursing, more brandy for me, more cursing, invoking Honey Boo-Boo–which is sure-fire proof of too much brandy, threatening a Ouija board, lucky horseshoe, and the Beatles’ “Good Day Sunshine”. The closest I came was trying George Harrison’s “Within you, Without you”, although that may have just been the percussion and not the engine.

I know how this works in the future. All car maintenance on time. Block heater. Garage without my kid’s stupid car blocking the driveway, and / or living in a Southern state. By the way, in a couple more years, Minnesota WILL be a Southern state, just watch the coast lines creep north.

Global Warming My ASS!