I am an empty nester. I share my house with two cats that were magically “re-gifted” to me by my eldest before she moved out for the last time. This is actually a plus for the story I’m unfolding. Besides these two cats, Chloe–the Whore-Cat, & Yuki, the Black-as-Night Critter Assassin, I am periodically privileged to have visits from my youngest daughter.

During one such visit recently, from across the room we see that Yuki has a mouse in her jaws. This could easily have gone unnoticed, except she held it in her face with it’s back legs & tail sticking out upside-down. Boom, there it is, Little pink mousie ass & tail. I was mouse mooned.

And then she lets it go. The game is on. I am immediately hunting for gloves & a plastic bag. A live capture is planned, but precautions come first. Mooner Mouse is hiding behind several pieces of easy-to-move furniture. Twice the dumb thing runs straight back to the cat. Twice the cat passes as if to say, “I can end this any time I want” but chooses not to do so. The Best Moment comes when I move a storage box, it comes straight at me, and I become an airborne Lord a-Leaping, no kidding. The Dining Room / Mooner Mouse / Dad Ballet is a thing of beauty.

So Mooner Mouse is eventually caught, booked, paw printed, photographed & released on his own recognizance. Last night I return home to find a spectacle in the driveway. The Whore-Cat has destroyed a baby bunny foo-foo, sad-sad. 10 minutes later, every trace of this mammal on mammal crime is gone, consumed, bunny-farts & all, eaten. Buurrup!

Cut to this morning. I am noodling in the kitchen when I find the back of a drawer has the remains of about 6 peanuts stuffed in the corner. These were left-over peanuts from last Monday’s home opener out at Target Field. I had finished off those leftovers while watching the Twins on TV a day or so later. This peanut theft crime & litter violation had been committed somewhere in the last week, prior to me 1) finishing the leftover peanuts, 2) getting Mouse Mooned, 3) performing the Leap of Doom with Mooner Mouse, and 4) sparing the little rodent’s life.

I assume there is always more than one mouse. I assume the cats keep themselves well fed. I assume baby bunnies are co-lateral damage in the War on Vermin. I suspect there will be changes in the Critter Interrogation & Release Program.