In the grand scheme of things, while each & everyone of us has our own day-to-day lives and the situations that make demands on us all … I guess it’d be pretty easy to miss the signs that one of us has been keeping a secret. … Not THAT secret! This is 2015! THAT secret would be so 1985!

Those of you closest to me may already know this, but the Truth I’ve been wrestling with is, and I’m sort of ashamed to admit this now and so publicly . . . my life has been slowly SPINNING INTO CONTROL!!

My apologies for misleading so many of you, but yeah, the seemingly endless parade of Craptstic-ness we all deal with has been coming to a crossroad, like a force of calm building to a crescendo … until at some point … peace & quiet prevail upon me to breathe. To feel fresh air in my lungs. To render oblivion moot and embrace clarity. My God, it’s a nightmare!

I know some of you will respond, “I’ve seen you out on the town. You usually only have one drink. Sometimes two.” Damn it, I’m trying! Don’t you think most Sober-aholics have their set-backs? Lord, I wish I could just NOT not drink. First it’s one day then two. Suddenly a week has passed, then five weeks. My battles are real.

The decisions I’ve made, well, they too have their consequences, and I have to own up for my part. Yes, I’m taking responsibility for these orderly, stabilizing life choices. I know these actions have helped others, some of those closest to me, people I swore I’d never help nor encourage in any way — they have been the unwitting beneficiaries of my blind & selfless sharing. I even got my soul refunded to me in full. What kind of Angelic-Monster have I become? Who is that well-groomed man in the mirror? It’s like a shadow of an earlier time, but with a smile & dimples.

Changes can happen. I understand that now. I know there’s still time to turn this around. Maybe if I can fall in with the wrong crowd, try to be a colossal ass-whipe to people, make a difference in ruining lives? Maybe then I can get back to that chaos, that maddening, maddening, humanity & soul crushing chaos so many others have found before me. But I’m a like a deranged moth flying the other way, aspiring NOT to touch that blacklight, never burning for that harsh electric grid of a clueless reality. What of those monkeys on my back, that albatross around my neck, those bats in my belfry? You know, accessories of modern shame? Where have they gone? Don’t they miss me? Do they even care?

I know it won’t be easy. Maybe I don’t have to go it alone. Recovery is hard enough for people facing actual challenges. What am I going to do if I pay all my bills on time? Become reliable & respectable? I can’t imagine what it will be like if my common sense stays in focus.

Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. – Captain Rhett Butler, “Gone With the Wind”

Tomorrow is another day.  – Scarlett O’Hara, also “Gone With the Wind”

Pick up a God-Damned Guitar and play a Fuckin’ ‘E’ chord!   – Eric Peter DeWolff, “Just Full of Wind”

– Late August, 2015 in the year of our Lord. Damn, did it again! See what I mean?

Advertisements